I would like to start by making it clear that I intend to address the staff and faculty as well as the student body, as this is an issue that affects the entire Pascack Valley High School community. In my near three years of experience with our school’s bathrooms, I have been able to identify several points for improvement and I am sure that many of you have as well. For ease of comprehension, I have broken them down into two categories: management and etiquette. I shall begin with management.

Before I list the physical aspects of our school’s restrooms, which I believe require improvement, I would like to make it clear that I am still very appreciative of the facilities which we have the privilege of using. I am aware that with the smallest cut in funding, our bathrooms could easily be reduced to primitive holes in the dirt where the new tennis courts are supposed to go.

That being said, perhaps some of the funding, which we are fortunate enough to have, could be used to purchase toilet paper thick enough not to disappear at the point of friction. I appreciate the magic of physics as much as the next person, but I do not need to feel like Houdini every time I use the toilet. I’m sure we are only using this one-half ply toilet paper in an attempt to save money, the same reason my history textbook was published before I was born, but I feel as though it is an illogical investment. As any mathematician knows, if the quality of a product is going to be halved, then the quantity used must be doubled, thus forcing the school to buy double the amount of cheaper toilet paper, coming out to what is most likely the same total. Not to mention, even more toilet paper is going to be required if the school cannot supply each bathroom with enough paper towels to last an entire day.

Why the school chooses not to leave a spare roll of said paper towels in a place where it can be easily accessed is beyond me. The only reason I could think of for keeping them hidden is theft, and I can assure you right now that successfully making off with a roll of paper towels the size of a small child is no easy feat.

Moving on to the issue of privacy, please be aware that the new policy of keeping the bathroom doors open at all times has not gone unnoticed. Neither has the fact that the rule was implemented around the same time the school security officers appeared. Seeing as faculty bathrooms have fully closing doors, you may not be familiar with the feeling of peeing in a room without four closed walls, but I can assure you that it is not a comfortable one. I should not be able to hear a coin hitting the ground across the hallway all the way from the toilet I am occupying.

Being able to hear the loud generic chattering of students mere feet from me is also particularly distressing. I realize that PV is all about building a strong sense of community, but there are some things which I prefer to do alone: using the toilet is one of them. I believe it was best put by another English teacher, when he commented that with an intricate system of mirrors, students won’t even have to miss class to use the bathroom anymore! I think it is clear why this rule hasn’t been put in place. Though the current conditions that I have detailed are not ideal, experiences in using the school bathrooms could also be improved by a bathroom code of conduct.

This brings me to etiquette. Using the school bathrooms is not fun for any of us, but following some simple social guidelines could make it a less painful experience for all parties involved. For instance, if I am in the bathroom and you are not, the absence of a door in between us is not an invitation for you to talk to me. Please just use your imagination to pretend that there is a door separating us. If I am not allowed to have ample privacy, I would at least like the illusion of such. If you would not do it with a door between us, please do not do it without one.

And while you are using your imagination, please picture the bathroom without flimsy pieces of plastic and metal separating us. This is pretty much what a bathroom is. Therefore, I do not know why it is a custom (of girls specifically most of the time) to congregate in the school bathroom. Just as I do not want to hear hallway chatter from the toilet, I would also not like to hear you discussing “that girl’s ratchet hair” from about two feet in front of me. Furthermore, I would not like to hear about your plans for Friday night either or the fact that you are starving because all you had for breakfast was a granola bar and sandwiches have too many calories. Take away the metal bars and plastic stalls, and you are practically just having an open discussion about your life in a room full of half-naked people. To each his own, but if that is how you like to spend your time, then I must urge you to use the locker room instead.

Seeing as the public bathroom is not your personal hangout, please do not set up shop in front of one of the mirrors with your friends and an arsenal of makeup. There is surely a better place for this. I am the one there to use the bathroom for its intended purpose and you are making me feel as though I am the one intruding. I always have to do a double take to make sure I have not somehow stepped into somebody’s private household bathroom. A friend of mine once walked into the bathroom to see a girl with a makeup palette and hair straightener standing over the sink. Just the other day, I had been accosted by some girl’s body spray as I was simply trying to wash my hands. And I do not mean that the scent had accosted my smell receptors, but rather the actual liquid had accosted my entire face as well as my taste buds. All I can say is that it did not in fact taste like Twilight Woods, and I imagine that accidentally ingesting perfume is what vaping alcohol probably feels like.

I understand that the protocols outlined above may seem daunting, but if students as well as faculty and administration members do their part, we can substantially improve the state of our PV public bathrooms. I encourage everybody to work together for a better bathroom experience. United, we can flush out our problems.

Thank you.